Things seen while working at a bookstore....

CHEESIN' By Andrew Hilbert

Working at a bookstore, I see a whole slew of human beings and overgrown festering wounds. You know how at Wal-Mart, you're greeted by a clinging-to-life 90 year old when you walk in? At my bookstore you're greeted by a clinging-to-life 20 something getting paid minimum wage who is overqualified to count the number of people going through the entrance each hour.

Some people get off on knowing this fact.

Shit Happens
Truth #1: If you're shopping for pleasure in a bookstore, you make more money than anyone who works there.

One day I was the greeter. Some blob of a man waddles in. I wondered how his mustache stayed on his face.

"Where's 50 Shades of Grey!?" he yells at me. 50 Shades of Grey is that badly written porno for middle aged women who are disappointed in their marriages.

This is what happens when you spend your days searching
for "disappointed middle aged women" on the internet.

I told him but before I could finish, his cell phone rang and he started yelling at his wife, or girlfriend, or, more likely, his mother. He moved his hips when he walked away.

The only reason this man moves his hips when he walks is because his rear denim seams are too far up his ass. I'm trying to say this man was fat. He was also an asshole. This is not figurative language. He was literally fat and his rear denim seam was literally really far up his ass (also figuratively). His belt was above his navel. What is it with this sense of fashion? I doubt his wife sends him out in the wild like that. Dressing like that ensures never getting a wife to dress you respectably. It's a vicious cycle that ends only at KFC.

My conclusion is that he was yelling at his mom.