Every once in a while we need to remind you guys that Offensive is stamped on the door at FFO
Jaylee Alde gives us his take on the age-old question: What would Jesus do?
Jaylee Alde gives us his take on the age-old question: What would Jesus do?
Going to Hell to the Sounds of Sucking or How the Gimp got 86’d from Mac’s by Jaylee Alde
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They were hunched over two
bottles of something cheap. The Gimp was just about to get to the weird part of
the story but stopped mid-weird. He looked around the place like a slow
wipe; as if what was about to be said was the name of god ...
The joint was empty
except for a fresh faced Goliath sitting in the corner. He was fatter than
a circle and kept staring at the door whenever the wind shook it but mainly he
stared at his hands like they were ghosts and that was fine by them.
Harry’s wasn’t their
normal bar. They were Mac’s kind of people. But The Gimp got
himself 86’d from there last week and if Mac’s had the strongest drinks in
town—Harry’s had the cheapest. They figured it all added up the same in the
end. So there they were.
The Gimp leaned over to
his friend ...
“… and then Jesus
appeared—almost naked.” The Gimp almost whispered.
“Holy shit.”
“He was dressed as a
cowboy … I think—ass hanging out chaps and not much else.”
“What the hell?”
“Yup. But you
would think since his pops made sequoias and skyscrapers and the like, he
would’ve helped his only son out a bit more. He definitely didn't.”
“Shut up. So, what
did you do?”
“I laughed.”
“Damn you.”
“Yeah, you said
it. Jesus didn’t like that. But anyways, we were sitting there, you
know at Mac’s…”
“Wait a minute. Are you talking about that crack head on Texas Street that’s always in front of
Mac’s screaming that he’s Jesus?”
“No. I’m talking
about the real deal—hair like lamb’s wool and everything. Anyways, I start
a conversation with the original Jesus—Jesus #1, and all of a
sudden the man started to cry like someone just pissed on his last meal.”
“What?”
“No shit. He goes
on about how no one understands him, and his porn addiction and fetish for
getting his feet washed, and that his holy mother is some kind of misunderstood
hooker, and that dad is always watching over him, and he's scared that his
friends will one day betray him, his experimentation with drugs and homosexuality
in his early 20’s—you know, before the start of his autobiography—and on and on
and on and on and on … about his dick.”
“Goddamn. That
sounds like half this town.”
“Yeah, you said it. So, then I thought, ‘Jesus #1, you need a good laugh’, right? So I
stuck those umbrella toothpicks into my wrists and feet and ran around the bar
screaming, I DIED FOR YOUR FUCKIN’ SINS YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS! Not even
a tiny snicker from the guy. Then I lit a telephone book on fire, turned
to Jesus #1 and said, ‘Hey man, is that burning bush talking?’”
“Damn you.”
“Yeah, you said
it. Jesus #1 didn’t like that either.”
“So, is that how you got
86’d?”
“No. I’m getting
to it. Anyways, after a few drinks he finally loosened up his crown of
thorns and started to relax a bit and we all got fucked up ...”
“Gimp, I thought you
told me you were flat broke last week.”
“Water to wine baby,
water to wine. So we sat there getting wonky and spouting gibberish and
it’s about two drinks from closing and I’m trying to get some from that new
Korean bartender…what’s her name?”
“Sue.”
“Yeah, Sue. I’m
trying to convince Sue that I’m not an asshole and that Jesus #1 is a close
personal friend of mine so whatever we might do that evening our sins will be
forgiven by the morning.”
“Did that bullshit
work?”
“No. But here’s
the kicker—while I’m talking to Sue, Jesus #1 turned to me and said, ‘Gimp,
you’re a great guy, the best, how about I give you the best goddamn blow job of
your entire life.’”
“What did you say to
that?”
“I told him it was
against my religion.”
“Damn you.”
“Yeah, you said
it. But I felt bad for the guy—the man was on the brink of tears again,
so I let him watch me jerk off in the bathroom as long as he didn’t make eye
contact. And let me tell you, that son of a hooker made eye contact the
whole time. Very awkward. Almost couldn't finish.”
“Fuck, man. You are
the worst person I have ever met. And is that how you got 86’d?”
“No. I’m getting
to it.”
