The Dangers of Dog Stealing

They say the longest distance between two points is a kidnapper and his money.

And when dogs are involved, hell, the trip takes even longer because the fucking mutts have to stop and take a piss on everything.

The Dangers of Dog Stealing by Stanton McCaffery

“I always thought he would get you into trouble,” my mother said. She was smoking a cigarette and holding the Pomeranian, who was surprisingly calm given the circumstances. We were standing next to two graves I had just finished filling in the field behind the Raritan Center Industrial Park. 

It was Doug’s idea. A year out of high school and neither of us had jobs. We needed money for pot. 

“That Colombian chick I dated sophomore year, Beatrice,” he said, “she told me that in Colombia, where there’s always all this kidnapping and shit, that dudes actually take people’s pets for ransom.” 

Beatrice was a lot cooler than the chick he was dating at the time, Stephanie. What a cunt. If it wasn’t for her none of this shit would have happened. 

So the plan wasn’t really ransom. No notes or shit like that. We’d just take a dog and wait for the signs to go up and then collect the reward. I knew the house Doug had in mind too. It was this new McMansion built on the lots of two old houses by the train station. We’d always hear this little yippy dog behind the fence. 

So one night we go out and to our luck the dog is outside. It runs over to the fence and starts barking. Thank fucking God no one came out, is what I thought at the time, but now I think maybe things would have been better if somebody did come out. Anyway, Doug breaks the bottom of the wooden fence and I grab the dog. The fucker bit my finger when I tried to cover its mouth to keep it from barking. 

At home I tell my mother we found it wondering around in the middle of the street. She loves the thing, knows what breed it is, feeds it table scraps. 

A month goes by and no signs go up asking about a dog. Doug and me were sitting and playing my Xbox one day while my mom was at work and Stephanie came over. Stupid Doug told her how we got the dog. 

“You guys are idiots,” she said. “Now you’re gonna be stuck with this dog you stole. You need to just get jobs like everybody else.” 

Doug was being all peaceful and shit, but I told that bitch she could shut up or get the fuck out of my house. Well, she didn’t like that. She especially didn’t like that Doug didn’t stick up for her. So she left and on the way out she said she was gonna go to the house and tell the people we stole their dog. 

I was all worried about that, but Doug said she would just say crazy shit like that when she was pissed. But a few days later, I knew he was wrong.

I heard somebody banging on the front door. I told Doug to go get it, because, you know, it was his idea and all. 

I was paying attention to the Xbox and I heard all this banging and shit. When I looked up I saw this monster in a wife beater pistol-whipping the shit out of Doug’s face with a .45. I know what kind of gun it was because my mother’s been crazy about guns and home security ever since my father split. 

Doug stopped breathing and all I could do was stand there. The guy pointed the gun at me and told me to turn around. “You dumb fucking kids,” he said. 

The gun cocked and I heard a bang. I thought I was dead, but then the glass shattered on the back door. I looked up and saw my mother standing there, holding a revolver. Behind me, the guy that killed Doug was on his back on the floor with a hole in his head and blood pooling around him. 

At the field behind the industrial park, before we got in the car to leave, I asked my mom where she got the idea to bury the bodies out there.

“What do you think happened to your father?” she said. 

Stanton McCaffery was born and raised in central New Jersey, where he resides with his wife and son. He has degrees in history and political science and manages communications for a United Nations agency. His past fictional work includes The Stuff from Home, which was published on in June of 2015. He is currently working on his first novel.