Sometimes all it takes is a quiet place for you to reflect.
That way you can feel the full weight of your regret.
That way you can feel the full weight of your regret.
The Place Before The Place by Beau Johnson
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Wincing, you prepare, and as the
car swerves hard onto the pavement your back is jabbed by the pointy end of the
tire iron which is wedged and leaning at an improbable angle. It’s not the first time this has
happened. Cursing, you can only hope the
driver will ensure it is the last.
In the dark you struggle to free
your hands against the duct tape they've wrapped around your wrists behind your back. It doesn't give, not an
inch, but still you believe the strength will come. Drenched, your hair falls into your eyes,
lays matted to your forehead. It’s hot
in here, a furnace, but you know the majority of the heat is more from you and the
situation you have gotten yourself into; that this, the trunk, is no more than
the place before the place.
You swallow, spit, your breathing
unlike anything you have experienced before.
Not from ball, from running, or even from sex. This is breathing scared.
Or perhaps you’re hyperventilating and you just don’t know the difference. Either way, it was stupid what you did,
skimming. Did you think they wouldn’t
catch on? Better yet, did you have to up
the stakes? In what world is an extra
five grand a month considered chump change?
You shake your head, unable to
answer your own questions. Instead you
think of Luke, of how he will continue life without a father; that you will
never get to teach him all the things never taught to you. You well up at this, there in the dark, and just
once you wish you were able to remember the face of your own father; a glimpse,
a flash, a smile. Next you envision Becka,
she within your arms, and at one moment she is naked, in another she is
not. It will be the end of us, you hear her proclaim, and deep down you
have always known her to be right. The
type of life you chose far from what your dreams had been. However, there can be no blame, not upon anyone
who is not you. A man grown, choice
becomes our own, each one dying and alive at the very same time--this very
moment proving your entire point. You
didn’t have to get in Big Mike’s car that day. Nor did you have to agree
with what he asked of you. Opposing him
would have provoked a beating, sure, and let’s face it, possibly cost your life for
simply saying no. But the choice would
have been better than what you do years later, believing you deserved a little something
more in addition to what the man was paying.
There in the dark you think of
these things, the story which has become your life. You
see things fast, a blur, but you also see them slow. In one you are six and crying, fallen from
your bike. Suddenly your mother appears
and like always the pain is run away.
She holds you and hugs you and whispers that things will be
alright. You believe her, hold her, and
why the hell would you not? She is your
mother, your life, and not for the majority of your time together passed out on
the floor. She never hits you, not
often, but when she does it’s accompanied by regret. A chaser we’ll call it, and only after the
bottle is done.
Suddenly the car begins to
slow. You hear gravel and road and then
gravel once more. Slower now, you can
make out the voices of the men inside the car but not the words they speak. Do you really need to know what they are
saying? No, you don’t think you do. The sudden warmth spreading about your groin tells
you everything you need to know. Stopped, all four doors open and gravel comes
underfoot. Like it’s nothing, you can
hear them now, each of them shooting the shit like they don’t have a care in
the world. Benny and Bob are on about
the Bucks, Carlos and Stacks smoking and nodding their heads in agreement. Is this really happening, you think, and
realize that you have been straining so hard that something lets go in your
head, a pop. It’s small, not painful,
and somehow feels like the colour red.
You begin to scream and scream and thrash about the trunk. You hear laughter, more, and then one of them
kicks the side of the car and tells you to knock the shit off. You fail to comply, which of course only
speeds the process up. They open the
trunk, freedom, and you erupt upwards as the fresh air rocks you. The taste is sweet, like butter, and oh so better
than wine. You fall forward, belched
from the trunk, the dirtiest tongue
alive.
Halfway down, as your face and gravel meet, you, the middle of you, is
caught by the hitch. You groan, go fetal,
and all you hear is laughter as you writhe and take the pain. You squint, tell them to fuck right off, and
then take notice of the stars, that there are none, that it is only the moon
which lights the way. One of them, Bob
you think, pulls you up, throws you back down. “Shunta did what ya done, Ricky.”
He says and then spits into your face.
The saliva is hot and gross and you picture rotting meat as it slides
into your mouth. Inside, it makes you
want to run as far and fast as you possibly can. Instead you scream and shake your head as
violently as your neck allows. A second
later, before you see them, you feel the wood; all four, and then your screams
begin anew. They beat you, break you,
crush you. Swing after swing after swing. Jagged and loose, your bones are transformed,
like powder that has run to soup; all bones, to every appendage and extremity
you own. Skin is next, gone, removed and
replaced by a pulp that now exists--and still you are aware! How, you think, and understand the stupidity of
your question the moment it is asked: to ensure every effort is taken in making
you feel everything that comes before. The
choice is obvious, befitting your crime, as you know how the men above you
work; have done the job yourself, in fact.
Bleeding, dying, you watch the end draw near. Down, the bats obliterate your mouth, your
nose and the top of your skull. Last,
they save your eyes and the truth each one has struggled to hide.
Unrecognizable, you heave and spurt, your gurgling breath the only sound into the
night. You think of Luke and Becka and
your mother during the times that she is real, her love sober. As the final arc comes down and takes it all
apart you can only wonder: Was this really all I am?
