We're pleased to announce our Submissions Call for Flash Fiction Offensive's 2019 12 Daze of Christmas stories. As a Christmas present to writers, we’re willing to publish up to 12 flash fiction stories in December 2019. Some stories published during December may be Christmas stories, while others might be our standard flash fiction fare (but 12 stories MAX in any combination).
So what are we anxiously hoping for on The Daze of Christmas front? Ideally, Bad Santas doing bad shit. Or stories where bad shit happens to unsuspecting Santa. For certain we want CREATIVE stories with a traditional beginning, a middle and an end—tales with strong identifiable conflict: someone's gonna WIN and someone's gonna LOSE.
If writin' about St. Nick ain't your kinda fun, then stories involving a captivating crime—or traditional FFO humor—bound round a Christmas theme could likely spike our Eggnog!
Tales can also be SERIOUS with strong Literary elements. A good example? Bill Baber's Christmas story, "Pancakes"—which appeared at Close To The Bone in 2016. You can find Bill's story by clicking or tapping Here.
The submissions deadline for both our 12 Daze of Christmas 2019 and our traditional Flash Fiction Offensive stories is Monday, November 4, 2019. Unlike the fine and competent folks at Shotgun Honey we will NOT be reading any submissions during the month of December.
To honor the Ghost of Christmas Past, and give y'all a taste of what we're looking for that doesn't involve Santa, we're pleased to share below a sharp-edged tale by England's Cal Marcius—which appeared here at The Gutter back in 2016, when miscreant Editors Tom Pitts and Hector Duarte Jr. were runnin' this joint.
Writers can find our magic submissions portal for 12 Daze of Christmas, October's Gutteral Screams and our regular Flash Fiction Offensive Submission Guidelines at the Submittable Link below. ONLY stories with Christmas Themes should be sent using our 12 Daze of Christmas Form. We wish everyone who submits a sleigh-full of Luck!
Meanwhile, here's wily Cal's cutting-edge story.
I tell him it isn’t up to me, but the kid’s dumb as shit. There’s nothing but wide open space between those perfectly formed ears. I can’t remember when exactly he first appeared. He was Frank’s nephew, so we accepted him without much question. Then a few weeks ago Frank got himself killed, stabbed in the throat, and we were left with this dimwit of a kid.
He calls himself Brad, even though his name’s Martin. We call him Dopey. He says he looks like Bradley Cooper, and he sort of does. It’s the eyes, that vacant look he has about him. You can tell he isn’t the full pack.
“I think I’ll take her to Lapland,” he says. “See Santa, you know. Travel in a sleigh, all that shit.”
“You even know where Lapland is?”
“Somewhere in the North Pole, right?”
“And where’d that be?”
“Fuck off. I’m not in school anymore.”
“You’re gonna get your dick nailed to the wall,” I say. “You go through the right channels or stop talking about it.”
“What’s wrong with Lapland?”
“Fuck’s sake. Nothing’s fucking wrong with Lapland, but you’re part of this family now and you talk to the boss.”
I already know which way this will go. Even if he does listen and goes to ask the boss, one way or another, his dick will end up in the mincer. You don’t shit where you eat.
A week or so later, John, the boss, calls me into the office and tells me some money’s gone missing. I’m not talking a tenner. This is about ten grand. It’s no coincidence the kid’s on holiday and the boss’s youngest has gone to Norway, Finland, or Lapland. It doesn’t take a genius to put the two together.
“Any thoughts?” John says.
The boss and me go all the way back to primary school. We grew up in the same neighbourhood, and even then he had a knack for making money, selling stolen sweets at inflated prices on the playground.
“Leave it to me,” I say.
I don’t tell him about the kid. I want to give the dope a chance, let him come clean when he returns. Maybe I can work something out. Get him to pay back the money in installments. I know what it’s like to be in love, or at least I did know. Girls don’t stick around with guys like us. Not many do anyway. We can’t all be as lucky as John.
Me, I haven’t seen Lisa in years. She took our son and moved as far away from me as possible. Last I heard, she was living with another guy in Scotland, one of the islands in the middle of fucking nowhere, running a couple of holiday cottages. Living the good life. I can’t blame her. I wouldn’t want the boy following in my footsteps either.
I’ve got one foot out the door and it all goes tits up when Jess, the boss’s oldest, comes storming into her dad’s office. Her tear-streaked face is smeared with mascara. Her eyes are red from crying.
“What’s the matter, pumpkins?” John says.
“He’s a fucking liar, dad. He said he loved me and now he’s in Lapland with Mel. Lapland was my idea. He knew how much I wanted to go there.”
“Brad ... Martin. You know. The guy who works for you.”
The boss looks at me like I’ve just pulled down my pants and shat on his desk. “You know about this?”
I shake my head. It’s not a lie. I didn’t know he was playing the two of them.
“Get that little cunt and cut his fucking dick off,” John says.
Jess lets out a squeak. “You can’t hurt him, dad.”
“He’s playing you,” John says. “There’s plenty other guys out there. Nice guys. Find one of them.”
“But I love him.”
“He’s an idiot.”
“He’s an idiot.”
“You don’t know him.”
The boss looks at me. “Will you tell her?” he says.
“Your dad’s right,” I say. “You deserve better, Jess. He’s a joke. A good-looking joke, but that’s all.”
I turn to John. He nods at me.
“If he does that to you he doesn’t love you, pumpkins. Looks isn’t everything. Now let me get back to work. Okay?”
As soon as she’s gone, the boss looks at me and says, “I want his dick on a platter.”
It’s on the local news the morning after—traumatized man found without penis.
Took four of us to hold him down, only one to slice it off. I told him he should be grateful he’s just losing his dick. If he’s lucky, some plastic surgeon can make him a new one.
I take it to the boss on one of those throw-away aluminium plates.
He looks at it.
“Is that it?”
He pushes it around with the end of his pen.
“In all its glory,” I say.
“Kinda pathetic on its own,” he says and starts to laugh.